Blast from the Past

Familiar with the famed flick "Back to the Future"? If not, here's a quick synopsis: A young boy (Marty McFly) meets a crazy scientist (Doc) who has a car that sends him 30 years back in time. Essentially, Doc stresses how detrimental it is that Marty not tamper with things in the past because "the consequences of that could be disastrous" for his future. In true cinematic fashion, he does and, they are. 

Much like with relationships, meddling with the past can lead to not so desirable future results. While the consequences may not be deemed as disastrous as Marty's predicament, chasing after an ex lover in hopes of changing the present can get ugly.

Countless women and men are guilty of "time traveling" by trying to make things work again with a former flame - always expecting a different outcome. The on again, off again nonsense is enough to make anyone's head spin, so why do it? 

We sometimes get so invested in being in love that we forget the circumstantial things that actually make or break a relationship. We simply remember our feelings for that person or nostalgic past experiences and forget that love is not always enough - its existence doesn't secure a flawless courtship or guaranteed "forever".

Convincing ourselves that the extent of what we feel for someone is directly correlated to relationship success is foolish. Love is easy to find, but things like loyalty, commitment, respect and trust do not automatically accompany it. There are reasons people break up, and no amount of emotion can overcome the hard facts of why things ended in the first place.

Thinking of rekindling things with a past fling? Before boarding that train (or car, to keep on track with the movie theme), use these seven tips to guide your journey, and remember: Before you take back an ex, think of why your relationship got the axe.

You Better Work: The Cycle of Convenience in Dating

Hi everyone, changing things up this week. Check out my guest blog post on relationship guru Aikeem Hunter's site, mydatecity" for a taste of how convenience plays a role in relationships. Enjoy!

It's Goin Down, I'm Yellin Tinder

How many times has a guy used a passive means of flirting via social media to get your attention? Whether it's a Facebook message or an Instagram like, the wave of online communication available has certainly changed the way that relationships are formed; enter Tinder. The dating (or more so, hook up) app has users upload a few photos and a short tagline with the options of either being liked (through a swipe to the right) or passed on (through a swipe to the left).

On the basis of a few selfies, users deem others in their location worthy or unworthy. When two people like each other's profile, a match is made! How romantic. They are then notified and have the opportunity to begin chatting with each other. More often than not, this will result in elementary style AIM chatting (How r u? U r hot) or an immediate and creepy invite to meet up (At an apartment...stranger danger, hello?!) or a polite but equally weird invitation to the Olive Garden to share the Tour of Italy (God, why!?). 

Is this what dating has come to? We skip the frivoloties and courting process in favor of a half-assed meet up based on convenience (location) and sex appeal? We use an app that screams "I need validation" to have others pass judgment on us based on a measly photo? Tinder is proving more and more that people are unwilling to actually do things the old fashioned way and meet people in person.

Now, I’m not saying that there aren’t a few special ones that use Tinder in hopes of actually cultivating some sort of meaningful relationship, but let’s face the facts. Tinder was designed to meet up and ultimately, hook up, and that’s the reputation the app is stuck with.

To show just how weird dating has become with social media, check out this article. Through a faux Tinder profile manned by two jokesters, a pretty face and “Let’s hang out” message from a complete stranger was enough to lure over 70 men in to a froyo shop on a Friday night for a meet up. (I think the scariest part about this story is that none found it weird that this woman wanted to meet up at a frozen yogurt shop on a Friday night, just saying).

Social media is changing the game. People now care to know zero, zip, zilch about someone before diving in to a hang out. The emphasis these sites place on looks establishes physicality as the primary factor in “pursuing” someone, but a hot body does not a romance make. In the end, social media makes it easy to feel wanted by hundreds yet perpetuates being lazily and blissfully unaware that these digital flings will likely never come to fruition.

Anyway, to all you Tinder enthusiasts out there, today is the day that singles everywhere will be abusing the “swipe to the right” option. Go ahead, feel special. Happy Valentine’s Day!

The Eternal Question: To Celebrate, or Not to Celebrate?

Whether you have a someone special or a someone that is sort of special, Valentine’s Day can put pressure on defining the relationship. Figuring out the type of gestures your personal situation merits on this celebrated day is often a stressful task, especially for those newly blossoming flings. This year, Valentine’s Day actually falls on a weekend, eliminating the option for any time restriction-based excuses to not celebrate (sorry, guys). 

The worst thing you can do is fail to acknowledge your someone (insert descriptive word here) on this day. This communicates that they are essentially a no one. Whether the rationale is fear of giving the wrong impression or embarrassment from going out on a potentially one-sided love limb, nobody deserves to be ignored on Valentine’s Day. This is a sure fire way to damage any chances for blossoming love and lose the respect of your special friend. And honestly, a simple message referencing the holiday is common courtesy.

Over the top, romantic paloozas are often reserved for couples that have firmly established their love and have set these types of exaggerated guidelines for Valentine’s Day. For the beginners, a simple card or message can be enough – it all depends on the individual’s situation. Some pairs talk about their expectations openly, others spend weeks sweating the looming day. No matter the scenario, ignoring it completely is the wrong direction to go in.

My advice, if you're at the point where celebrating is something that you want, discuss it with your partner - and fast. Be prepared to answer any “so what does this mean” questions that may come along with it. If you're at the point where the idea of spending Valentine’s Day together scares the pants off of you and you’ve been cowering in avoidance of any plan making, be sure to at least recognize the day. Doing so basically says, "Hey, I'm aware that we've been spending time together" (at its simplest).

And if you still can't find the right words to sum up your feelings (big or small), here are some casual, hilarious messages to help you out!

Ultimately, this weekend’s plans (or lack thereof) will be based on each person’s unique love, like, or “we just hang out” predicament. God speed.

Share your stories of past Valentine's Days gone awry, below!

Measure in Love

I believe there are measures of love; that it exists on a spectrum and fluctuates amidst external factors and across time. That there is a range of emotions that encompass loving someone, being in love with someone, and feeling true love for someone, all entirely different states. Only within the latter do I believe that relationships are immune from any of the detrimental and selfish actions that are so often the demise of partnerships. This is not to say they are free from any mistakes, but that the severity of these errors is far less when both parties are truly in love.

There is selfish love, a love that exists on some level and perhaps even an all consuming level, but a love that places one partner above the other. Selfish in the sense that hurtful actions and consequences are an afterthought, and love is used as an excuse for forgiveness. A selfish love tries to hold on to someone that they no longer want or are incapable of being everything to. It desires a shadow of what was to maintain some semblance of a relationship simply to avoid loss. Love may exist far across the spectrum, but this is not a love deserved or sought after. This is not true love.

Take the cheater. A cheater can certainly love their partner with all their heart, but this is not true love. True loves places both people in an equal position of devotion, loyalty and commitment. This is a type of feeling that halts the damaging actions a selfish love may contemplate or execute; cheating being at the highest level of betrayal.

True love sees no boundaries or restrictions. It prioritizes and has the loved one placed at the front of the mind at all times; not only when it is convenient or when there is nothing or nobody else of importance. True love recognizes when it has run its course, and lets go of the person that is still clinging on to the ideal of an “us” to prevent a dragged out heartbreak. True love does not always last forever, but the pains that a selfish love can bring do not exist within it.

In the end, life will test love. The choices that are made amidst its uncertainties will ultimately define the type of love that each person gives and receives. It is the choice of each individual to decide whether they deserve more.  I hope everyone chooses the pinnacle: true love.

Don't Shoot the Messenger

A friend of mine recently opened up about an experience she had in college with an old boyfriend. After months of dating, my friend discovered that her boyfriend was also in a relationship (and had been for 2 years) with another girl. After promptly dumping him, she told the other girl what had been going on and was quickly accused of being a liar and of "photoshopping” the pictures of her and the shared boyfriend together. The girlfriend then proceeded to implement a full blown smear campaign on campus against her. And yes, she stayed with the boyfriend who to this day, never faced the repercussions of his actions. In fact, they’re still together.

Hearing this story made me wonder: In situations like this, why do women choose to tear the messenger down rather than get angry at the man who royally screwed them over? It seems we are innately programmed to practice ‘survival of the fittest’ even in our relationships, sometimes to the point of convincing ourselves in our heartbroken disillusionment that the proof isn't in the pudding. Alas, the result of any type of good intentioned solidarity amongst women is typically met with denial and anger towards the female, rather than the male. This is ironic and fatally flawed logic given that males (shocking as it sounds) have and actively make a choice to behave in that manner.

When it comes to securing a mate, we are too often willing to claw our way through other women simply to come out on top. And so, in times where it is a female’s support that may actually save us from a bad situation, we revert to survival mode and bash the “other” girl. Perhaps it is this exact survival mentality that breeds such mistrust amongst women in the first place. Maybe if we stopped hating each other we would have the wits about us to properly evaluate circumstances upon warning and proceed with caution, rather than absolving men of all responsibility and dismissing another woman’s claims.

Granted, in this type of sticky relationship drama, it can be difficult to assess where the line of involvement begins and ends. While I do not encourage simple envy fueled meddling nor knowingly getting involved with someone who is taken; when directly tied to a potentially damaging situation, women should help one another. It should be obvious that no man foolish enough to act like a heathen would ever come clean voluntarily. Sometimes, all we can count on is female support centered around the common hurt and experiences we share.

Burn Baby Burn

Raise your hand if a man has ever called you crazy. Now, raise it if you ever find yourself stifling your feelings to avoid being called crazy. This phenomenon of “gaslighting”; a form of manipulation that undermines any justification for an emotional reaction to the point where said reaction is considered crazy, runs rampant in the male-female dynamic. I have witnessed countless friends convince themselves that their reactions are crazy or dramatic following a fight with their boyfriends. They say, “Maybe he was right, I was overreacting” just to stay on solid ground with the man who claims to love them. The truth is, if a man truly loves you, he would never make you feel that way in the first place. When a man dismisses your feelings and labels you crazy, he is gaslighting. It’s time to stop adding fuel to this fire and speak up.

Unfortunately, we have all experienced this tricky maneuver. A man says or does something that is genuinely hurtful and when confronted, passes blame on our emotions rather than his behavior. We begin to believe it ourselves and perpetuate the cycle of eating our words and submitting in passive silence to avoid fulfilling the “crazy lady” stereotype. Our society has conditioned us to believe that as females we are dramatic and emotionally unstable. In times of true despair, we are then rendered mute by the ones we love and idly sit by rather than speak up. But we are not crazy, and any man who refuses to accept responsibility for his actions and instead emotionally manipulates us into believing we are the ones at fault, is a coward.

Yes, there are moments when we may freak out over little, inconsequential things. But in those times when relationships are truly tested in terms of loyalty, commitment, respect and trust, his response to your reaction is indicative of how he will treat you for the duration of your relationship. The next time your loved one tries to convince you that you are crazy to avoid manning up to his mistakes, remember this. Do not lock away the anger and sadness just to keep him because you are too scared of how much more empty you will feel without him. Believe that no man worth your time would do anything that would break your heart in the first place nor downplay your feelings. There will be that one man who you never have to feel crazy or silenced with, and turning the gas light off is the first step to finding him.

*Title credit goes to Giovanna DiGennaro