You Better Work: The Cycle of Convenience in Dating

Hi everyone, changing things up this week. Check out my guest blog post on relationship guru Aikeem Hunter's site, mydatecity" for a taste of how convenience plays a role in relationships. Enjoy!

It's Goin Down, I'm Yellin Tinder

How many times has a guy used a passive means of flirting via social media to get your attention? Whether it's a Facebook message or an Instagram like, the wave of online communication available has certainly changed the way that relationships are formed; enter Tinder. The dating (or more so, hook up) app has users upload a few photos and a short tagline with the options of either being liked (through a swipe to the right) or passed on (through a swipe to the left).

On the basis of a few selfies, users deem others in their location worthy or unworthy. When two people like each other's profile, a match is made! How romantic. They are then notified and have the opportunity to begin chatting with each other. More often than not, this will result in elementary style AIM chatting (How r u? U r hot) or an immediate and creepy invite to meet up (At an apartment...stranger danger, hello?!) or a polite but equally weird invitation to the Olive Garden to share the Tour of Italy (God, why!?). 

Is this what dating has come to? We skip the frivoloties and courting process in favor of a half-assed meet up based on convenience (location) and sex appeal? We use an app that screams "I need validation" to have others pass judgment on us based on a measly photo? Tinder is proving more and more that people are unwilling to actually do things the old fashioned way and meet people in person.

Now, I’m not saying that there aren’t a few special ones that use Tinder in hopes of actually cultivating some sort of meaningful relationship, but let’s face the facts. Tinder was designed to meet up and ultimately, hook up, and that’s the reputation the app is stuck with.

To show just how weird dating has become with social media, check out this article. Through a faux Tinder profile manned by two jokesters, a pretty face and “Let’s hang out” message from a complete stranger was enough to lure over 70 men in to a froyo shop on a Friday night for a meet up. (I think the scariest part about this story is that none found it weird that this woman wanted to meet up at a frozen yogurt shop on a Friday night, just saying).

Social media is changing the game. People now care to know zero, zip, zilch about someone before diving in to a hang out. The emphasis these sites place on looks establishes physicality as the primary factor in “pursuing” someone, but a hot body does not a romance make. In the end, social media makes it easy to feel wanted by hundreds yet perpetuates being lazily and blissfully unaware that these digital flings will likely never come to fruition.

Anyway, to all you Tinder enthusiasts out there, today is the day that singles everywhere will be abusing the “swipe to the right” option. Go ahead, feel special. Happy Valentine’s Day!

The Eternal Question: To Celebrate, or Not to Celebrate?

Whether you have a someone special or a someone that is sort of special, Valentine’s Day can put pressure on defining the relationship. Figuring out the type of gestures your personal situation merits on this celebrated day is often a stressful task, especially for those newly blossoming flings. This year, Valentine’s Day actually falls on a weekend, eliminating the option for any time restriction-based excuses to not celebrate (sorry, guys). 

The worst thing you can do is fail to acknowledge your someone (insert descriptive word here) on this day. This communicates that they are essentially a no one. Whether the rationale is fear of giving the wrong impression or embarrassment from going out on a potentially one-sided love limb, nobody deserves to be ignored on Valentine’s Day. This is a sure fire way to damage any chances for blossoming love and lose the respect of your special friend. And honestly, a simple message referencing the holiday is common courtesy.

Over the top, romantic paloozas are often reserved for couples that have firmly established their love and have set these types of exaggerated guidelines for Valentine’s Day. For the beginners, a simple card or message can be enough – it all depends on the individual’s situation. Some pairs talk about their expectations openly, others spend weeks sweating the looming day. No matter the scenario, ignoring it completely is the wrong direction to go in.

My advice, if you're at the point where celebrating is something that you want, discuss it with your partner - and fast. Be prepared to answer any “so what does this mean” questions that may come along with it. If you're at the point where the idea of spending Valentine’s Day together scares the pants off of you and you’ve been cowering in avoidance of any plan making, be sure to at least recognize the day. Doing so basically says, "Hey, I'm aware that we've been spending time together" (at its simplest).

And if you still can't find the right words to sum up your feelings (big or small), here are some casual, hilarious messages to help you out!

Ultimately, this weekend’s plans (or lack thereof) will be based on each person’s unique love, like, or “we just hang out” predicament. God speed.

Share your stories of past Valentine's Days gone awry, below!

Measure in Love

I believe there are measures of love; that it exists on a spectrum and fluctuates amidst external factors and across time. That there is a range of emotions that encompass loving someone, being in love with someone, and feeling true love for someone, all entirely different states. Only within the latter do I believe that relationships are immune from any of the detrimental and selfish actions that are so often the demise of partnerships. This is not to say they are free from any mistakes, but that the severity of these errors is far less when both parties are truly in love.

There is selfish love, a love that exists on some level and perhaps even an all consuming level, but a love that places one partner above the other. Selfish in the sense that hurtful actions and consequences are an afterthought, and love is used as an excuse for forgiveness. A selfish love tries to hold on to someone that they no longer want or are incapable of being everything to. It desires a shadow of what was to maintain some semblance of a relationship simply to avoid loss. Love may exist far across the spectrum, but this is not a love deserved or sought after. This is not true love.

Take the cheater. A cheater can certainly love their partner with all their heart, but this is not true love. True loves places both people in an equal position of devotion, loyalty and commitment. This is a type of feeling that halts the damaging actions a selfish love may contemplate or execute; cheating being at the highest level of betrayal.

True love sees no boundaries or restrictions. It prioritizes and has the loved one placed at the front of the mind at all times; not only when it is convenient or when there is nothing or nobody else of importance. True love recognizes when it has run its course, and lets go of the person that is still clinging on to the ideal of an “us” to prevent a dragged out heartbreak. True love does not always last forever, but the pains that a selfish love can bring do not exist within it.

In the end, life will test love. The choices that are made amidst its uncertainties will ultimately define the type of love that each person gives and receives. It is the choice of each individual to decide whether they deserve more.  I hope everyone chooses the pinnacle: true love.

Don't Shoot the Messenger

A friend of mine recently opened up about an experience she had in college with an old boyfriend. After months of dating, my friend discovered that her boyfriend was also in a relationship (and had been for 2 years) with another girl. After promptly dumping him, she told the other girl what had been going on and was quickly accused of being a liar and of "photoshopping” the pictures of her and the shared boyfriend together. The girlfriend then proceeded to implement a full blown smear campaign on campus against her. And yes, she stayed with the boyfriend who to this day, never faced the repercussions of his actions. In fact, they’re still together.

Hearing this story made me wonder: In situations like this, why do women choose to tear the messenger down rather than get angry at the man who royally screwed them over? It seems we are innately programmed to practice ‘survival of the fittest’ even in our relationships, sometimes to the point of convincing ourselves in our heartbroken disillusionment that the proof isn't in the pudding. Alas, the result of any type of good intentioned solidarity amongst women is typically met with denial and anger towards the female, rather than the male. This is ironic and fatally flawed logic given that males (shocking as it sounds) have and actively make a choice to behave in that manner.

When it comes to securing a mate, we are too often willing to claw our way through other women simply to come out on top. And so, in times where it is a female’s support that may actually save us from a bad situation, we revert to survival mode and bash the “other” girl. Perhaps it is this exact survival mentality that breeds such mistrust amongst women in the first place. Maybe if we stopped hating each other we would have the wits about us to properly evaluate circumstances upon warning and proceed with caution, rather than absolving men of all responsibility and dismissing another woman’s claims.

Granted, in this type of sticky relationship drama, it can be difficult to assess where the line of involvement begins and ends. While I do not encourage simple envy fueled meddling nor knowingly getting involved with someone who is taken; when directly tied to a potentially damaging situation, women should help one another. It should be obvious that no man foolish enough to act like a heathen would ever come clean voluntarily. Sometimes, all we can count on is female support centered around the common hurt and experiences we share.

Burn Baby Burn

Raise your hand if a man has ever called you crazy. Now, raise it if you ever find yourself stifling your feelings to avoid being called crazy. This phenomenon of “gaslighting”; a form of manipulation that undermines any justification for an emotional reaction to the point where said reaction is considered crazy, runs rampant in the male-female dynamic. I have witnessed countless friends convince themselves that their reactions are crazy or dramatic following a fight with their boyfriends. They say, “Maybe he was right, I was overreacting” just to stay on solid ground with the man who claims to love them. The truth is, if a man truly loves you, he would never make you feel that way in the first place. When a man dismisses your feelings and labels you crazy, he is gaslighting. It’s time to stop adding fuel to this fire and speak up.

Unfortunately, we have all experienced this tricky maneuver. A man says or does something that is genuinely hurtful and when confronted, passes blame on our emotions rather than his behavior. We begin to believe it ourselves and perpetuate the cycle of eating our words and submitting in passive silence to avoid fulfilling the “crazy lady” stereotype. Our society has conditioned us to believe that as females we are dramatic and emotionally unstable. In times of true despair, we are then rendered mute by the ones we love and idly sit by rather than speak up. But we are not crazy, and any man who refuses to accept responsibility for his actions and instead emotionally manipulates us into believing we are the ones at fault, is a coward.

Yes, there are moments when we may freak out over little, inconsequential things. But in those times when relationships are truly tested in terms of loyalty, commitment, respect and trust, his response to your reaction is indicative of how he will treat you for the duration of your relationship. The next time your loved one tries to convince you that you are crazy to avoid manning up to his mistakes, remember this. Do not lock away the anger and sadness just to keep him because you are too scared of how much more empty you will feel without him. Believe that no man worth your time would do anything that would break your heart in the first place nor downplay your feelings. There will be that one man who you never have to feel crazy or silenced with, and turning the gas light off is the first step to finding him.

*Title credit goes to Giovanna DiGennaro

Romantic Movie Pick of the Week: Ever After

This version of Cinderella offers a gritty and less fantastical (substitute glass slipper for embellished shoe and fairy godmother for mentor Leonardo Da Vinci) twist on the original, chronicling the trials of a mistreated woman who manages to charm Prince Charming himself.

While impersonating a noble under her deceased mother's name in an attempt to save a friend's life, the servant Danielle (made so by none other than her cruel stepmother) encounters Prince Henry, who is immediately awestruck by her unabashed resolve. Captivated by the stranger, the Prince inquires about the mysterious Comtesse Nicole De Lancret, knowing nothing of Danielle's true identity.

Amidst the pressures of a looming arranged marriage designed by his family, the Prince fervently pursues Danielle, who shies away for fear that he could never love a peasant. When fantasy and reality collide, their love story is tested, and yes, the Prince is left with nothing but a shoe to chase at one point.

Don’t worry, much like the original, this movie ends happily ever after. And for those who hate females who need to be rescued, this Cinderella is no damsel in distress.

The Lady and the Tramp

Two conflicting personas, one confusing ordeal.

We have all met her, hell, we have probably all been her (to varying degrees) at some point. The girl at the bar who makes it known that she is looking for nothing more than a one night stand. We envy how men flock to her, preferring transient, guaranteed, noncommittal satisfaction over anything of substance. We brush this girl off as a tramp and convince ourselves that no guy would ever consider anything serious with "a girl like that", but as ladies, are we just trying to compensate for our own loss? Can what was supposed to be "just sex" really be the foundation for a lasting relationship? Should women who seek something more jump on board or are casual flings just sinking ships?

Yes, good sex is a key component in any relationship, but I'd like to believe that laying the stepping stones for something real doesn't begin with a lay, in general. I'd like to believe that. With each girls night out, more and more it seems that men are getting tired of working for a girl's attention, or maybe they just want something physical, period. Are we playing too coy and dooming ourselves to be the ones left standing at last call, or are there really too few men out there that believe the juice is worth the squeeze?

I always thought that men simply slept with the one night stands, devoid of any emotional connection, and dated the girls who weren't as easy. The lines between the two are blurring nowadays. Many relationships emerge from a drunken hook up, or from a series of meaningless but consistent flings that force a pair to find comfort and companionship after extended time together. If the physical part has already been nailed down, what creates the barrier that prevents "just sex" from becoming something more?

The answers are contingent upon our own personalities, desires and experiences, and those of the potential suitors that we interact with. If what we want is the chase, then we have to wait for someone who is willing to do just that. If we don't feel the need to drag out the inevitable, then we must accept that it could end after one night, a number of nights, or simply never develop into anything more.

We can play either the lady or the tramp, but we must remember that while there are plenty of fish in the sea, the type that we reel in are the ones that are hungry for whatever it is that we put out there. Sex or otherwise.

My question:

Would you consider a one night stand for a serious relationship, or are you looking for someone who makes you work for it?

Don't Say I Do, If You Don't...

The stumbling number of marriages that fail, particularly first marriages, is something to be contemplated before saying those two final words. I have always been a romantic, but have accepted that self fulfillment on certain levels must exist before two people can choose to coexist, indefinitely. Satisfaction with oneself is critical to have before committing to a lifetime of satisfaction as a pair. My theory: Don't say I do, if you don't.

I've always wondered why people that find love later in life, for the first time or all over again, seem to have marriages that work far more effortlessly than those who get married at a younger age. My prognosis is that financial security, career success and general self accomplishment and contentment contribute to this trend. 

Later in life, the individual issues that drive a person to focus far more on themselves and their own happiness are typically achieved. Two people as a whole can live with less strife when they aren't constantly striving to be something else or find something else, and can be happy with each other only when they are happy with themselves as individuals.

Too many women get wrapped up in the idea of marriage, absent of the responsibilities and changes ahead and existing only as a fairy tale milestone. This ideal perpetuates the unfortunate divorce trend, as young women forget that solidifying a we does not make up for lack of a stable me. A relationship can certainly exist through the period of self uncertainty, but permanently becoming part of an us before you have figured out yourself, will leave you with a rocky road ahead. 

The moral of this story: Focus on the words "I am" before you get wrapped up in the notion of "I do."

DO Sweat the Small Stuff

In dating, it's a cardinal rule to avoid over thinking the little things. Not everyone, myself included, is a naturally simple woman. I'll admit that I am programmed to pick apart, analyze and let myself make a mess of bits of meaningless and unrelated information; weaving them together so tightly in my mind that a drama, concocted by my own insecurities, threatens to create strangers out of the people that I love. I'm not ashamed to say that I've been called a drama queen, because that persona is a product of me being true to myself and to my emotions, and not being afraid to share them. After all, communication in any relationship is key.

Those who stifle their pain and shake off any concerns in a relationship may avoid being accused of riding the crazy train, but while acting aloof toward selfish gestures on the part of their partner may conceal any problems on the outside, this mask certainly does not extend to the emotions. Try as we might, the truth inside always manages to linger and eventually claw its way out. And, let's be honest, one can only feign impassivity for so long. The even bigger issue? Feeling the need to to begin with.

As women we have been trained to avoid these faux paus, to push aside our overly critical tendencies and to not sweat the small stuff, if not for our own sanity, than for the sake of our relationships. Whether a simplistic wannabe or a true go with the flow kind of gal, I say we ditch this mentality and start talking. Besides, what truly secure person treats every small act of disrespect so nonchalantly, essentially screaming that they will roll over in tough situations? It's time to accept that it's okay to squash the issues, no matter how seemingly irrelevant to others.

While the bigger and more common relationship mistakes have more lofty consequences, that doesn't mean that careful consideration of the smaller ones isn't warranted. A subtle but still hurtful figurative slap in the face can be deemed just as worthy of mature conversation as any inconsiderate act. And not to oversimplify, but our gut feelings are good indicators of whether something is right or wrong, and should not be ignored in an effort to avoid confrontation. We can't be afraid to speak up and stand up for fear of losing someone, because when we don't, we risk losing ourselves.

Bottom Line: If you find yourself brushing off that pang in your heart, it's time to start talking. Get real with yourself, and with the one you love.

The Ex Factor

The letter itself provokes thoughts of error and complete cancellation. The x, or ex, for my purposes however, is not as cut and dry as it sounds. As much as we hate those annoying red marks on papers that suggest a lapse in thought, the ones from our personal lives aren't as easy to accept as final and definite wrongs.

How come our exes keep popping up even when we've labeled them as mistakes and topped them with a sign that suggests crossing them out of our lives? Can you ever completely x out an ex?

If a relationship ends on a sour note, you can bet that the two of you will likely never want to, or try to, contact each other to play a friendly game of catch up. If a relationship comes undone under natural circumstances, then for a short period after you may shoot the other a quick how are you every now and again. Emphasis on the word short. Nothing is worse than having your ex host a never ending pity party in your honor, or doing the same to him.

After a while, even the most amicable of exes should pull the brakes on keeping each other in the picture. You can never move on from one relationship to another if you're still tangled up in the past.

The possible exception: Friends turned lovers turned friends, who can seamlessly shuffle from one stage of intimacy to another without feeling obligated to force polite conversation. How this pans out in the long run depends on how a new boyfriend or girlfriend handles the ongoing relationship. Three's a crowd and stepping on toes is likely.

One thing is certain when dealing with the ex factor. No matter how pretty (or ugly) the breakup details, a lingering ex is sure to taint any new relationship. Bottom Line: Out with the old, in with the new. After all, they're called exes for a reason.

Dirty Politics

Long time, no love. My apologies for giving this blog the cold shoulder, but it's back to business. Today's topic of discussion: The biggest weiner of them all, Anthony Weiner. 

Why is it that men in power are so susceptible to cheating? Anthony Weiner, who officially stepped down from his position as Congressman of New York's 9th district, really did a number on his reputation with his recent sexting scandal. Though he initially denied sending images of his penis to a number of women via Twitter, he eventually came clean. 

This isn't the first time a politician has been caught engaging in lewd behavior, and given the latest headlines, it won't be the last. Case in point: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

It appears that, when men are elevated to positions of power, their egos become just as inflated. One would think that their statuses as figures of extreme scrutiny would make then weary of potential scandal, but instead many find themselves living "above the law", so to speak. 

Whether they think that their money and titles will save them from fault, or that the opportunities afforded to them should be seized in spite of consequences, their behavior knocks them right off of their pedestals. They just never seem to learn from the previous "dirty" politician's mistakes.

Maybe these men search for power to mask their insecurities, or maybe they become so brainwashed by their lifestyles that they feel entitled to do and have everything and anything. Constant criticism from the public may limit the amount of introspection that they are capable of, and while unfortunate, it does not justify their actions.

Weiner's explicit tweets rocked the nation, and provided us with yet another politician, dazed and confused once found out, who just never saw it coming. 

Lesson: If you can't take the tweet, get out of the kitchen.

Double Date Night

This weekend, break out your bowling shoes and head to the alley for a double date! Team up with your friends' boyfriend and compete against your man. This will bring the four of you closer together, rather than isolating each couple. The perk of double dating: You can spend time with him and still be social. An opportunity to be together in a larger social sphere keeps things fresh and exciting.

Romantic Movie Pick of the Week: 10 Things I Hate About You

Who could forget Heath Ledger serenading Julia Stiles with "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" from the high school bleachers? Don't be fooled by the title, this movie is all about love. Be prepared to fall hard for bad boy Patrick Verona (Heath Ledger) and the nerdy and adorable Cameron James (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) as they scheme to get the women of their dreams. Loosely based off of Shakespeare's "The Taming of the Shrew," this movie blurs the lines between love and hate. One of my favorites.

Meet Me Halfway

It's that time of year again. For college seniors, the big time decisions that have been put off since freshman year, the inevitable choices that once seemed so distant and so intangible, can no longer be ignored. A career and the transition to adulthood beyond the sheltered confines of college life are enough to make any young graduate shake in their cap and gown. Even more frightening? Factoring love into this whirlwind experience.

At the top of any graduate's "To Do" list is finding a job. For most, the fragile fantasy of obtaining the dream position is shattered upon entering the real world, and the instant dose of reality sends shock waves that leave newcomers reeling.  They realize that maybe it won't be so easy after all.  With all the drama of securing a career, where does love fit in?

This turning point is sure to test the strength of any relationship, as love and individual pursuits battle for priority.  While graduation is a fresh start, I wonder if love is enough to outweigh the changes that come with chasing life long goals. Can something old fit with something new?

My theory is that a person will never truly be happy if they sacrifice one for the other.  The fulfillment of personal goals will not feel as rewarding if someone you love is given up along the way.  On the other hand, two people will never be complete when together, if they feel incomplete when apart.  There must be a balance between happiness individually and happiness as a couple.

It is possible to follow your dreams and to keep the man of your dreams.  This comes with its own challenges, but compromise is key. Who says that you can't have both?

This statement may be the product of too many childhood years spent watching fairy tale movies, but my belief is that a woman can be her own knight in shining armor and still find her prince. She can be career driven and successful. She can be hopelessly in love. At the crossroads of "Me" and "Us", it's not always a one way street.

Some may find opportunity more satisfying than sharing their success with someone that they love. Others may find success in a lasting relationship. For me, why not have it both ways? 

My words of advice when in this trying situation: Meet me halfway.

The Royal Wedding

Today is the day that romantics around the world have been waiting for! Prince William and Kate Middleton married this morning at a beautiful ceremony in the famous Westminister Abbey. Be sure to tune in to catch snippets from their wedding and be a part of a true love story. The royal event will be covered all day.

Key To My Heart

Nothing better represents unbreakable love than the display of locks on the Ponte Vecchio bridge in Florence, Italy.  Enamored lovers have affixed padlocks to the railings of the famous bridge to symbolize the strength of the bonds that unite them for over a decade.

Though it is uncertain as to how this became tradition, many attribute the presence of the "luchhetti d'amore" to the mid 20th century, when soldiers in Italy would attach their wardrobe padlocks to the bridge.  The romantic origins of this practice remain a mystery.

Today, couples scribble their names and the date of their trip to Florence on their locks and then throw the keys into the river, representative of the pairs' unwavering connection.  Though the government has tried to intervene (complaining about aesthetic concerns), lovers still flock to the bridge to permanently make their romantic affairs a part of history.

Romantic Movie Pick of the Week: Forrest Gump

The touching story of a man whose life always brings him back to the woman he loves. The film follows Forrest (Tom Hanks) throughout various points in his life. No matter the circumstances, he manages to cross paths with his childhood love (Robin Penn). Eventually, their intertwined lives manage to permanently connect.

Why I love this movie: Forrest's innocence and compassion make him easy to fall for

Can't Buy Me Love

Since when did gold digging become a four letter word? It seems that the traditional romantic fantasy has replaced Prince Charming and his white horse with a CEO and his fat wallet. These days, more and more women are dating under the condition that love can conquer all, provided that it also comes with financial security. Little girls' ideas of destined romances are being kicked to the curb and traded for cash. Have we become content with swapping the letters l.o.v.e and r.i.c.h to guide our relationships?

We've been brought up to believe that we can have it all. But is having it all in love and in life contingent upon our financial success? I'd like to think that love is powerful enough to hold two people together-that a feeling trumps materiality and plays no part in romance. If only the world was so simple. In a time of growing economic uncertainty, it's easy to say that the the smart girls are marrying money. It's easy to envision their future as one that never includes worrying about the bills, but that future does not necessarily include love either.

First and foremost, a relationship should be based on love. "Smart" women may ensure that their suitors also fit their fortune seeking needs, but smarter women will realize that they can make their own fortunes and find love as well. Women with no sense at all (financial or otherwise) will disregard this feeling completely. While they may find an empty and short lived happiness in spending, a relationship without love is as shallow as the gold digger who pursues it.

Women who assess their relationships in terms of both love and money may be smart, but those who search for only cash to fill their hearts will never truly be happy. As for me, I'll take love above all else. After all, there's nothing wrong with tradition.

Love Today

Hey everyone, I just thought I would share some of the things that I absolutely love about today. Happy Easter!