Don't Shoot the Messenger

A friend of mine recently opened up about an experience she had in college with an old boyfriend. After months of dating, my friend discovered that her boyfriend was also in a relationship (and had been for 2 years) with another girl. After promptly dumping him, she told the other girl what had been going on and was quickly accused of being a liar and of "photoshopping” the pictures of her and the shared boyfriend together. The girlfriend then proceeded to implement a full blown smear campaign on campus against her. And yes, she stayed with the boyfriend who to this day, never faced the repercussions of his actions. In fact, they’re still together.

Hearing this story made me wonder: In situations like this, why do women choose to tear the messenger down rather than get angry at the man who royally screwed them over? It seems we are innately programmed to practice ‘survival of the fittest’ even in our relationships, sometimes to the point of convincing ourselves in our heartbroken disillusionment that the proof isn't in the pudding. Alas, the result of any type of good intentioned solidarity amongst women is typically met with denial and anger towards the female, rather than the male. This is ironic and fatally flawed logic given that males (shocking as it sounds) have and actively make a choice to behave in that manner.

When it comes to securing a mate, we are too often willing to claw our way through other women simply to come out on top. And so, in times where it is a female’s support that may actually save us from a bad situation, we revert to survival mode and bash the “other” girl. Perhaps it is this exact survival mentality that breeds such mistrust amongst women in the first place. Maybe if we stopped hating each other we would have the wits about us to properly evaluate circumstances upon warning and proceed with caution, rather than absolving men of all responsibility and dismissing another woman’s claims.

Granted, in this type of sticky relationship drama, it can be difficult to assess where the line of involvement begins and ends. While I do not encourage simple envy fueled meddling nor knowingly getting involved with someone who is taken; when directly tied to a potentially damaging situation, women should help one another. It should be obvious that no man foolish enough to act like a heathen would ever come clean voluntarily. Sometimes, all we can count on is female support centered around the common hurt and experiences we share.