Measure in Love

I believe there are measures of love; that it exists on a spectrum and fluctuates amidst external factors and across time. That there is a range of emotions that encompass loving someone, being in love with someone, and feeling true love for someone, all entirely different states. Only within the latter do I believe that relationships are immune from any of the detrimental and selfish actions that are so often the demise of partnerships. This is not to say they are free from any mistakes, but that the severity of these errors is far less when both parties are truly in love.

There is selfish love, a love that exists on some level and perhaps even an all consuming level, but a love that places one partner above the other. Selfish in the sense that hurtful actions and consequences are an afterthought, and love is used as an excuse for forgiveness. A selfish love tries to hold on to someone that they no longer want or are incapable of being everything to. It desires a shadow of what was to maintain some semblance of a relationship simply to avoid loss. Love may exist far across the spectrum, but this is not a love deserved or sought after. This is not true love.

Take the cheater. A cheater can certainly love their partner with all their heart, but this is not true love. True loves places both people in an equal position of devotion, loyalty and commitment. This is a type of feeling that halts the damaging actions a selfish love may contemplate or execute; cheating being at the highest level of betrayal.

True love sees no boundaries or restrictions. It prioritizes and has the loved one placed at the front of the mind at all times; not only when it is convenient or when there is nothing or nobody else of importance. True love recognizes when it has run its course, and lets go of the person that is still clinging on to the ideal of an “us” to prevent a dragged out heartbreak. True love does not always last forever, but the pains that a selfish love can bring do not exist within it.

In the end, life will test love. The choices that are made amidst its uncertainties will ultimately define the type of love that each person gives and receives. It is the choice of each individual to decide whether they deserve more.  I hope everyone chooses the pinnacle: true love.

Don't Shoot the Messenger

A friend of mine recently opened up about an experience she had in college with an old boyfriend. After months of dating, my friend discovered that her boyfriend was also in a relationship (and had been for 2 years) with another girl. After promptly dumping him, she told the other girl what had been going on and was quickly accused of being a liar and of "photoshopping” the pictures of her and the shared boyfriend together. The girlfriend then proceeded to implement a full blown smear campaign on campus against her. And yes, she stayed with the boyfriend who to this day, never faced the repercussions of his actions. In fact, they’re still together.

Hearing this story made me wonder: In situations like this, why do women choose to tear the messenger down rather than get angry at the man who royally screwed them over? It seems we are innately programmed to practice ‘survival of the fittest’ even in our relationships, sometimes to the point of convincing ourselves in our heartbroken disillusionment that the proof isn't in the pudding. Alas, the result of any type of good intentioned solidarity amongst women is typically met with denial and anger towards the female, rather than the male. This is ironic and fatally flawed logic given that males (shocking as it sounds) have and actively make a choice to behave in that manner.

When it comes to securing a mate, we are too often willing to claw our way through other women simply to come out on top. And so, in times where it is a female’s support that may actually save us from a bad situation, we revert to survival mode and bash the “other” girl. Perhaps it is this exact survival mentality that breeds such mistrust amongst women in the first place. Maybe if we stopped hating each other we would have the wits about us to properly evaluate circumstances upon warning and proceed with caution, rather than absolving men of all responsibility and dismissing another woman’s claims.

Granted, in this type of sticky relationship drama, it can be difficult to assess where the line of involvement begins and ends. While I do not encourage simple envy fueled meddling nor knowingly getting involved with someone who is taken; when directly tied to a potentially damaging situation, women should help one another. It should be obvious that no man foolish enough to act like a heathen would ever come clean voluntarily. Sometimes, all we can count on is female support centered around the common hurt and experiences we share.

Burn Baby Burn

Raise your hand if a man has ever called you crazy. Now, raise it if you ever find yourself stifling your feelings to avoid being called crazy. This phenomenon of “gaslighting”; a form of manipulation that undermines any justification for an emotional reaction to the point where said reaction is considered crazy, runs rampant in the male-female dynamic. I have witnessed countless friends convince themselves that their reactions are crazy or dramatic following a fight with their boyfriends. They say, “Maybe he was right, I was overreacting” just to stay on solid ground with the man who claims to love them. The truth is, if a man truly loves you, he would never make you feel that way in the first place. When a man dismisses your feelings and labels you crazy, he is gaslighting. It’s time to stop adding fuel to this fire and speak up.

Unfortunately, we have all experienced this tricky maneuver. A man says or does something that is genuinely hurtful and when confronted, passes blame on our emotions rather than his behavior. We begin to believe it ourselves and perpetuate the cycle of eating our words and submitting in passive silence to avoid fulfilling the “crazy lady” stereotype. Our society has conditioned us to believe that as females we are dramatic and emotionally unstable. In times of true despair, we are then rendered mute by the ones we love and idly sit by rather than speak up. But we are not crazy, and any man who refuses to accept responsibility for his actions and instead emotionally manipulates us into believing we are the ones at fault, is a coward.

Yes, there are moments when we may freak out over little, inconsequential things. But in those times when relationships are truly tested in terms of loyalty, commitment, respect and trust, his response to your reaction is indicative of how he will treat you for the duration of your relationship. The next time your loved one tries to convince you that you are crazy to avoid manning up to his mistakes, remember this. Do not lock away the anger and sadness just to keep him because you are too scared of how much more empty you will feel without him. Believe that no man worth your time would do anything that would break your heart in the first place nor downplay your feelings. There will be that one man who you never have to feel crazy or silenced with, and turning the gas light off is the first step to finding him.

*Title credit goes to Giovanna DiGennaro

Romantic Movie Pick of the Week: Ever After

This version of Cinderella offers a gritty and less fantastical (substitute glass slipper for embellished shoe and fairy godmother for mentor Leonardo Da Vinci) twist on the original, chronicling the trials of a mistreated woman who manages to charm Prince Charming himself.

While impersonating a noble under her deceased mother's name in an attempt to save a friend's life, the servant Danielle (made so by none other than her cruel stepmother) encounters Prince Henry, who is immediately awestruck by her unabashed resolve. Captivated by the stranger, the Prince inquires about the mysterious Comtesse Nicole De Lancret, knowing nothing of Danielle's true identity.

Amidst the pressures of a looming arranged marriage designed by his family, the Prince fervently pursues Danielle, who shies away for fear that he could never love a peasant. When fantasy and reality collide, their love story is tested, and yes, the Prince is left with nothing but a shoe to chase at one point.

Don’t worry, much like the original, this movie ends happily ever after. And for those who hate females who need to be rescued, this Cinderella is no damsel in distress.

The Lady and the Tramp

Two conflicting personas, one confusing ordeal.

We have all met her, hell, we have probably all been her (to varying degrees) at some point. The girl at the bar who makes it known that she is looking for nothing more than a one night stand. We envy how men flock to her, preferring transient, guaranteed, noncommittal satisfaction over anything of substance. We brush this girl off as a tramp and convince ourselves that no guy would ever consider anything serious with "a girl like that", but as ladies, are we just trying to compensate for our own loss? Can what was supposed to be "just sex" really be the foundation for a lasting relationship? Should women who seek something more jump on board or are casual flings just sinking ships?

Yes, good sex is a key component in any relationship, but I'd like to believe that laying the stepping stones for something real doesn't begin with a lay, in general. I'd like to believe that. With each girls night out, more and more it seems that men are getting tired of working for a girl's attention, or maybe they just want something physical, period. Are we playing too coy and dooming ourselves to be the ones left standing at last call, or are there really too few men out there that believe the juice is worth the squeeze?

I always thought that men simply slept with the one night stands, devoid of any emotional connection, and dated the girls who weren't as easy. The lines between the two are blurring nowadays. Many relationships emerge from a drunken hook up, or from a series of meaningless but consistent flings that force a pair to find comfort and companionship after extended time together. If the physical part has already been nailed down, what creates the barrier that prevents "just sex" from becoming something more?

The answers are contingent upon our own personalities, desires and experiences, and those of the potential suitors that we interact with. If what we want is the chase, then we have to wait for someone who is willing to do just that. If we don't feel the need to drag out the inevitable, then we must accept that it could end after one night, a number of nights, or simply never develop into anything more.

We can play either the lady or the tramp, but we must remember that while there are plenty of fish in the sea, the type that we reel in are the ones that are hungry for whatever it is that we put out there. Sex or otherwise.

My question:

Would you consider a one night stand for a serious relationship, or are you looking for someone who makes you work for it?

Don't Say I Do, If You Don't...

The stumbling number of marriages that fail, particularly first marriages, is something to be contemplated before saying those two final words. I have always been a romantic, but have accepted that self fulfillment on certain levels must exist before two people can choose to coexist, indefinitely. Satisfaction with oneself is critical to have before committing to a lifetime of satisfaction as a pair. My theory: Don't say I do, if you don't.

I've always wondered why people that find love later in life, for the first time or all over again, seem to have marriages that work far more effortlessly than those who get married at a younger age. My prognosis is that financial security, career success and general self accomplishment and contentment contribute to this trend. 

Later in life, the individual issues that drive a person to focus far more on themselves and their own happiness are typically achieved. Two people as a whole can live with less strife when they aren't constantly striving to be something else or find something else, and can be happy with each other only when they are happy with themselves as individuals.

Too many women get wrapped up in the idea of marriage, absent of the responsibilities and changes ahead and existing only as a fairy tale milestone. This ideal perpetuates the unfortunate divorce trend, as young women forget that solidifying a we does not make up for lack of a stable me. A relationship can certainly exist through the period of self uncertainty, but permanently becoming part of an us before you have figured out yourself, will leave you with a rocky road ahead. 

The moral of this story: Focus on the words "I am" before you get wrapped up in the notion of "I do."

DO Sweat the Small Stuff

In dating, it's a cardinal rule to avoid over thinking the little things. Not everyone, myself included, is a naturally simple woman. I'll admit that I am programmed to pick apart, analyze and let myself make a mess of bits of meaningless and unrelated information; weaving them together so tightly in my mind that a drama, concocted by my own insecurities, threatens to create strangers out of the people that I love. I'm not ashamed to say that I've been called a drama queen, because that persona is a product of me being true to myself and to my emotions, and not being afraid to share them. After all, communication in any relationship is key.

Those who stifle their pain and shake off any concerns in a relationship may avoid being accused of riding the crazy train, but while acting aloof toward selfish gestures on the part of their partner may conceal any problems on the outside, this mask certainly does not extend to the emotions. Try as we might, the truth inside always manages to linger and eventually claw its way out. And, let's be honest, one can only feign impassivity for so long. The even bigger issue? Feeling the need to to begin with.

As women we have been trained to avoid these faux paus, to push aside our overly critical tendencies and to not sweat the small stuff, if not for our own sanity, than for the sake of our relationships. Whether a simplistic wannabe or a true go with the flow kind of gal, I say we ditch this mentality and start talking. Besides, what truly secure person treats every small act of disrespect so nonchalantly, essentially screaming that they will roll over in tough situations? It's time to accept that it's okay to squash the issues, no matter how seemingly irrelevant to others.

While the bigger and more common relationship mistakes have more lofty consequences, that doesn't mean that careful consideration of the smaller ones isn't warranted. A subtle but still hurtful figurative slap in the face can be deemed just as worthy of mature conversation as any inconsiderate act. And not to oversimplify, but our gut feelings are good indicators of whether something is right or wrong, and should not be ignored in an effort to avoid confrontation. We can't be afraid to speak up and stand up for fear of losing someone, because when we don't, we risk losing ourselves.

Bottom Line: If you find yourself brushing off that pang in your heart, it's time to start talking. Get real with yourself, and with the one you love.