Don't Say I Do, If You Don't...

The stumbling number of marriages that fail, particularly first marriages, is something to be contemplated before saying those two final words. I have always been a romantic, but have accepted that self fulfillment on certain levels must exist before two people can choose to coexist, indefinitely. Satisfaction with oneself is critical to have before committing to a lifetime of satisfaction as a pair. My theory: Don't say I do, if you don't.

I've always wondered why people that find love later in life, for the first time or all over again, seem to have marriages that work far more effortlessly than those who get married at a younger age. My prognosis is that financial security, career success and general self accomplishment and contentment contribute to this trend. 

Later in life, the individual issues that drive a person to focus far more on themselves and their own happiness are typically achieved. Two people as a whole can live with less strife when they aren't constantly striving to be something else or find something else, and can be happy with each other only when they are happy with themselves as individuals.

Too many women get wrapped up in the idea of marriage, absent of the responsibilities and changes ahead and existing only as a fairy tale milestone. This ideal perpetuates the unfortunate divorce trend, as young women forget that solidifying a we does not make up for lack of a stable me. A relationship can certainly exist through the period of self uncertainty, but permanently becoming part of an us before you have figured out yourself, will leave you with a rocky road ahead. 

The moral of this story: Focus on the words "I am" before you get wrapped up in the notion of "I do."

DO Sweat the Small Stuff

In dating, it's a cardinal rule to avoid over thinking the little things. Not everyone, myself included, is a naturally simple woman. I'll admit that I am programmed to pick apart, analyze and let myself make a mess of bits of meaningless and unrelated information; weaving them together so tightly in my mind that a drama, concocted by my own insecurities, threatens to create strangers out of the people that I love. I'm not ashamed to say that I've been called a drama queen, because that persona is a product of me being true to myself and to my emotions, and not being afraid to share them. After all, communication in any relationship is key.

Those who stifle their pain and shake off any concerns in a relationship may avoid being accused of riding the crazy train, but while acting aloof toward selfish gestures on the part of their partner may conceal any problems on the outside, this mask certainly does not extend to the emotions. Try as we might, the truth inside always manages to linger and eventually claw its way out. And, let's be honest, one can only feign impassivity for so long. The even bigger issue? Feeling the need to to begin with.

As women we have been trained to avoid these faux paus, to push aside our overly critical tendencies and to not sweat the small stuff, if not for our own sanity, than for the sake of our relationships. Whether a simplistic wannabe or a true go with the flow kind of gal, I say we ditch this mentality and start talking. Besides, what truly secure person treats every small act of disrespect so nonchalantly, essentially screaming that they will roll over in tough situations? It's time to accept that it's okay to squash the issues, no matter how seemingly irrelevant to others.

While the bigger and more common relationship mistakes have more lofty consequences, that doesn't mean that careful consideration of the smaller ones isn't warranted. A subtle but still hurtful figurative slap in the face can be deemed just as worthy of mature conversation as any inconsiderate act. And not to oversimplify, but our gut feelings are good indicators of whether something is right or wrong, and should not be ignored in an effort to avoid confrontation. We can't be afraid to speak up and stand up for fear of losing someone, because when we don't, we risk losing ourselves.

Bottom Line: If you find yourself brushing off that pang in your heart, it's time to start talking. Get real with yourself, and with the one you love.

The Ex Factor

The letter itself provokes thoughts of error and complete cancellation. The x, or ex, for my purposes however, is not as cut and dry as it sounds. As much as we hate those annoying red marks on papers that suggest a lapse in thought, the ones from our personal lives aren't as easy to accept as final and definite wrongs.

How come our exes keep popping up even when we've labeled them as mistakes and topped them with a sign that suggests crossing them out of our lives? Can you ever completely x out an ex?

If a relationship ends on a sour note, you can bet that the two of you will likely never want to, or try to, contact each other to play a friendly game of catch up. If a relationship comes undone under natural circumstances, then for a short period after you may shoot the other a quick how are you every now and again. Emphasis on the word short. Nothing is worse than having your ex host a never ending pity party in your honor, or doing the same to him.

After a while, even the most amicable of exes should pull the brakes on keeping each other in the picture. You can never move on from one relationship to another if you're still tangled up in the past.

The possible exception: Friends turned lovers turned friends, who can seamlessly shuffle from one stage of intimacy to another without feeling obligated to force polite conversation. How this pans out in the long run depends on how a new boyfriend or girlfriend handles the ongoing relationship. Three's a crowd and stepping on toes is likely.

One thing is certain when dealing with the ex factor. No matter how pretty (or ugly) the breakup details, a lingering ex is sure to taint any new relationship. Bottom Line: Out with the old, in with the new. After all, they're called exes for a reason.

Dirty Politics

Long time, no love. My apologies for giving this blog the cold shoulder, but it's back to business. Today's topic of discussion: The biggest weiner of them all, Anthony Weiner. 

Why is it that men in power are so susceptible to cheating? Anthony Weiner, who officially stepped down from his position as Congressman of New York's 9th district, really did a number on his reputation with his recent sexting scandal. Though he initially denied sending images of his penis to a number of women via Twitter, he eventually came clean. 

This isn't the first time a politician has been caught engaging in lewd behavior, and given the latest headlines, it won't be the last. Case in point: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

It appears that, when men are elevated to positions of power, their egos become just as inflated. One would think that their statuses as figures of extreme scrutiny would make then weary of potential scandal, but instead many find themselves living "above the law", so to speak. 

Whether they think that their money and titles will save them from fault, or that the opportunities afforded to them should be seized in spite of consequences, their behavior knocks them right off of their pedestals. They just never seem to learn from the previous "dirty" politician's mistakes.

Maybe these men search for power to mask their insecurities, or maybe they become so brainwashed by their lifestyles that they feel entitled to do and have everything and anything. Constant criticism from the public may limit the amount of introspection that they are capable of, and while unfortunate, it does not justify their actions.

Weiner's explicit tweets rocked the nation, and provided us with yet another politician, dazed and confused once found out, who just never saw it coming. 

Lesson: If you can't take the tweet, get out of the kitchen.

Double Date Night

This weekend, break out your bowling shoes and head to the alley for a double date! Team up with your friends' boyfriend and compete against your man. This will bring the four of you closer together, rather than isolating each couple. The perk of double dating: You can spend time with him and still be social. An opportunity to be together in a larger social sphere keeps things fresh and exciting.

Romantic Movie Pick of the Week: 10 Things I Hate About You

Who could forget Heath Ledger serenading Julia Stiles with "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" from the high school bleachers? Don't be fooled by the title, this movie is all about love. Be prepared to fall hard for bad boy Patrick Verona (Heath Ledger) and the nerdy and adorable Cameron James (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) as they scheme to get the women of their dreams. Loosely based off of Shakespeare's "The Taming of the Shrew," this movie blurs the lines between love and hate. One of my favorites.

Meet Me Halfway

It's that time of year again. For college seniors, the big time decisions that have been put off since freshman year, the inevitable choices that once seemed so distant and so intangible, can no longer be ignored. A career and the transition to adulthood beyond the sheltered confines of college life are enough to make any young graduate shake in their cap and gown. Even more frightening? Factoring love into this whirlwind experience.

At the top of any graduate's "To Do" list is finding a job. For most, the fragile fantasy of obtaining the dream position is shattered upon entering the real world, and the instant dose of reality sends shock waves that leave newcomers reeling.  They realize that maybe it won't be so easy after all.  With all the drama of securing a career, where does love fit in?

This turning point is sure to test the strength of any relationship, as love and individual pursuits battle for priority.  While graduation is a fresh start, I wonder if love is enough to outweigh the changes that come with chasing life long goals. Can something old fit with something new?

My theory is that a person will never truly be happy if they sacrifice one for the other.  The fulfillment of personal goals will not feel as rewarding if someone you love is given up along the way.  On the other hand, two people will never be complete when together, if they feel incomplete when apart.  There must be a balance between happiness individually and happiness as a couple.

It is possible to follow your dreams and to keep the man of your dreams.  This comes with its own challenges, but compromise is key. Who says that you can't have both?

This statement may be the product of too many childhood years spent watching fairy tale movies, but my belief is that a woman can be her own knight in shining armor and still find her prince. She can be career driven and successful. She can be hopelessly in love. At the crossroads of "Me" and "Us", it's not always a one way street.

Some may find opportunity more satisfying than sharing their success with someone that they love. Others may find success in a lasting relationship. For me, why not have it both ways? 

My words of advice when in this trying situation: Meet me halfway.