For those who find themselves in this situation, and for those who wonder how they ever agreed to a half-ass set up like this, it's time to place all the cards on the table. When it comes to love and relationships, while something doesn't need to be public to have meaning, it does need to be acknowledged between the two people involved. Both need to make sure that they're on the same page about what is going on between them, and flat out say how they feel and what they want. Too often, girls are so blinded by being happy with someone else that they forget about their own happiness. They pretend to be okay with just hooking up, or being unofficial, but in the process lose their voice and lose the chance of having a relationship with someone who wants to take that next step and entirely commit themselves. The fear of losing their unofficial partner seems to outweigh the fear of losing themselves, so they act the part of the carefree girl who doesn't want anything too serious.
When there's a big gap between what he wants and what you want, and when you find yourself putting him before you, it's time to break your silence. The worst thing you can do is just sweep your needs under the table and cater to his. It may feel like the end of the world to give up on someone because they aren't looking for a girlfriend, but if it's a boyfriend and a future you want, don't wait around for someone who plainly says they don't want it to give it to you. Make your own future.
My verdict on these officially unofficial relationships: hopelessly hopeless.
Communication is the key to ANY relationship... it's so damn cliché, but it's the truth! If there are any grey areas and you're not okay with that, you need to speak up! It's hard enough for us to understand the way we women work... imagine a male trying to read one of our minds. If you don't feel comfortable expressing how you really feel to someone you may really care for, it's probably not going to work out in the long-run. In the end, if he doesn't care about your feelings, then you don't need to be wasting any more time on him than you already have... there's someone out there who cares about you, and not just his carnal desires.
ReplyDeleteLOVE this piece.
ReplyDeleteAs you remember from my ranting e-mails/text messages, this situation was all too real for me with the last flame.. especially about the "waltzes back into her life, no questions asked" part. Luckily, I realized he was a waste of my precious time.
For right now, I do not want to rush into anything with the new guy. For right now, I need it to be unofficial as we feel each other out so that I can see if he is someone that I want to build a deeper connection with. As I begin to walk down this all too familiar "officially unofficial" dating road with him, I am worried we will hit that grey area of "what the hell is this?!" Hopefully when/if that time comes, we will have built enough of a foundation in communication to find the answer together.
Yes everyone deserves to be happy. But what if being with that person is what makes you happy? Just because he isn't interested in an official relationship, does that mean you end it?
ReplyDeleteIf you know in the long run the relationship isn't going to work out, is it worth it to hold on to each until then?
are you stalking me?
ReplyDeleteKristie, if the two of you agree that that is the kind of situation you both want, then continue it. If you think that you will be happy as unofficial then why end things? But if you want something more and he doesn't, then you need to speak up. If you want a future in the long run and he has established that that won't happen, then you need to cut the ties.
ReplyDelete