Don't Shoot the Messenger

A friend of mine recently opened up about an experience she had in college with an old boyfriend. After months of dating, my friend discovered that her boyfriend was also in a relationship (and had been for 2 years) with another girl. After promptly dumping him, she told the other girl what had been going on and was quickly accused of being a liar and of "photoshopping” the pictures of her and the shared boyfriend together. The girlfriend then proceeded to implement a full blown smear campaign on campus against her. And yes, she stayed with the boyfriend who to this day, never faced the repercussions of his actions. In fact, they’re still together.

Hearing this story made me wonder: In situations like this, why do women choose to tear the messenger down rather than get angry at the man who royally screwed them over? It seems we are innately programmed to practice ‘survival of the fittest’ even in our relationships, sometimes to the point of convincing ourselves in our heartbroken disillusionment that the proof isn't in the pudding. Alas, the result of any type of good intentioned solidarity amongst women is typically met with denial and anger towards the female, rather than the male. This is ironic and fatally flawed logic given that males (shocking as it sounds) have and actively make a choice to behave in that manner.

When it comes to securing a mate, we are too often willing to claw our way through other women simply to come out on top. And so, in times where it is a female’s support that may actually save us from a bad situation, we revert to survival mode and bash the “other” girl. Perhaps it is this exact survival mentality that breeds such mistrust amongst women in the first place. Maybe if we stopped hating each other we would have the wits about us to properly evaluate circumstances upon warning and proceed with caution, rather than absolving men of all responsibility and dismissing another woman’s claims.

Granted, in this type of sticky relationship drama, it can be difficult to assess where the line of involvement begins and ends. While I do not encourage simple envy fueled meddling nor knowingly getting involved with someone who is taken; when directly tied to a potentially damaging situation, women should help one another. It should be obvious that no man foolish enough to act like a heathen would ever come clean voluntarily. Sometimes, all we can count on is female support centered around the common hurt and experiences we share.

Burn Baby Burn

Raise your hand if a man has ever called you crazy. Now, raise it if you ever find yourself stifling your feelings to avoid being called crazy. This phenomenon of “gaslighting”; a form of manipulation that undermines any justification for an emotional reaction to the point where said reaction is considered crazy, runs rampant in the male-female dynamic. I have witnessed countless friends convince themselves that their reactions are crazy or dramatic following a fight with their boyfriends. They say, “Maybe he was right, I was overreacting” just to stay on solid ground with the man who claims to love them. The truth is, if a man truly loves you, he would never make you feel that way in the first place. When a man dismisses your feelings and labels you crazy, he is gaslighting. It’s time to stop adding fuel to this fire and speak up.

Unfortunately, we have all experienced this tricky maneuver. A man says or does something that is genuinely hurtful and when confronted, passes blame on our emotions rather than his behavior. We begin to believe it ourselves and perpetuate the cycle of eating our words and submitting in passive silence to avoid fulfilling the “crazy lady” stereotype. Our society has conditioned us to believe that as females we are dramatic and emotionally unstable. In times of true despair, we are then rendered mute by the ones we love and idly sit by rather than speak up. But we are not crazy, and any man who refuses to accept responsibility for his actions and instead emotionally manipulates us into believing we are the ones at fault, is a coward.

Yes, there are moments when we may freak out over little, inconsequential things. But in those times when relationships are truly tested in terms of loyalty, commitment, respect and trust, his response to your reaction is indicative of how he will treat you for the duration of your relationship. The next time your loved one tries to convince you that you are crazy to avoid manning up to his mistakes, remember this. Do not lock away the anger and sadness just to keep him because you are too scared of how much more empty you will feel without him. Believe that no man worth your time would do anything that would break your heart in the first place nor downplay your feelings. There will be that one man who you never have to feel crazy or silenced with, and turning the gas light off is the first step to finding him.

*Title credit goes to Giovanna DiGennaro